At First Sight
by TheLovelyClaireRedfield
Summary: Declan visits Amanda in the hospital. Drabbles.
1. Newborn

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Law and Order.

AN: This kind of just popped into to my head recently and I wanted to see how this would play out. It's a Oneshot with potential to be continued. Let me know. Thank you.

At First Sight

Declan Murphy stood pacing outside the hospital room hesitant to walk in. He didn't know what her reaction would be and he didn't want her to upset her. It had been months since he had seen her and a few weeks since they had spoken. He hated to not be there for the whole pregnancy. She had to do it all by herself and he felt regret not being there by her side through it all.

It wasn't his intention.

He couldn't abandon his undercover assignment that took so many years to get so far in. There were too many lives at stake. After Syria, the same group of traffickers made themselves known in a few clubs just outside of Las Vegas. Declan wanted to see it to the very end. To be there as the whole ring of scum got locked up. For years he had seen too many countless underage teens being bought and sold, then beaten, raped and killed. So many Jane Does thrown out like garbage, their lifeless faces burned into his brain. Children's lives ruined with horrible memories and scars. Someone had to put an end to it. Those monsters had to be punished.

He shouldn't even be here right now, but something in him just had to see her. When Declan found out that she was in labor he got on the first plane without even telling a soul. It was reckless. Some may even call it stupid. He was risking it all. On the way to the airport, he was sure to switch cars and even after that he was paranoid the whole time, looking behind to make sure no one was following him.

He was being selfish but his heart took over at that point, and it all comes out moron when your heart is involved. He had dreamt of being a father and having the whole white picket fence life. That was years ago and that dream was pushed away when his job had become his life. When Amanda finally told him that the baby was his, so many emotions hit him.

He peaked his head in to see if there were any other visitors. He planned his visit purposely in the evening to avoid being seen by anyone he knew especially anyone from the SVU. The sun had set and the night nurse was getting report with the day team so the timing couldn't have been any better. He could slip in and out, without making any waves.

Looking in he noticed all the flowers and cards decorated around the small room, surrounding the bed. A tray of barely eaten food at the side of the table. The television playing some rerun of a reality show. The lights dimmed. There she was in the middle of all the clutter, fast asleep.

Her light blonde hair was tied in a bun on top of her head. A few loose strands framing her face. Dark circles rimmed under her eyes, she was exhausted.

Declan decided to not wake her, seeing on how peaceful she looked. That and how she probably hadn't gotten much rest in the past few months. He placed the small bouquet of lilies on her bedside table. She had mentioned that she liked them once.

He wanted to make his stay short and be on the next redeye out before anyone noticed he was gone. His next big get together was tomorrow night with a new shipment of girls and he had to be there for it. He would sleep on the plane and be ready to meet at the normal warehouse that they always did.

As he turned to leave a nurse came in rolling one of the hospital bassinets in.

"It's feeding time." She whispered noticing that Amanda was asleep.

Declan looked down into the bassinet. His eyes met the icy blue ones of his two-day old daughter.

He never thought he could love something so much in such a short time. She was so small and delicate, wrapped in a pink blanket. It was crazy to think that this tiny person he was looking at was a part of him. It was truly amazing. His heart was just melting. This baby girl in front of him was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

He was speechless.

"You must be the dad." The nurse with a big smile on her face.

Declan didn't say anything which confirmed the nurses question, more like statement.

"Amanda said you wouldn't show but I had some faith." She said walking over to the sink to wash her hands. The woman wore burgundy scrubs and had her dark hair in a tight bun. She was much shorter than him. She walked up to him with the bassinet in between them. He barely noticed, his eyes still fixed on the tiny human.

"Did you want to hold her?"

"Um I don't know" He wanted to but he didn't want to cause a scene or really know how to hold a baby. He was slightly put off by the question because this woman had so much trust in him. He could be lying through his teeth about who he was and this nurse could be passing a baby to a random person.

Most of his days he was the man who had ice in his veins. It was a part, but a part he had gotten used to being. His undercover profile was a man he never wanted to be. He was a predator and a villain. Each time he got home he would look in the mirror convincing himself that he was not that man. He was Lieutenant Declan Murphy, one of the good guys. Every time it got harder to believe himself.

"Here." She picked her up and carefully placed her into his arms, positioning him on how to support her head. He had never held something so fragile, being sure to be as gentle as possible.

"See. You're a natural." The nurse winked.

As he looked down at again at infant in his arms he noticed around her small wrist was a ID band. He took it in his fingers and read it.

 _ **Rollins, J.**_

"Jesse." He heard behind him.

Declan turned around to see Amanda looking at him. A small smile on her face.

"Hi." He smiled back at her.

"Hey." She responded.

He walked over to the bed and leaned over and kissed her on the forehead.

"She's beautiful."


	2. Four Months

A/N: Working on longer chapters. Still light. Thanks for reading.

* * *

Screams echoed through the apartment. The high pitch searing into Amanda's ears. She thought she was going crazy. Looking down into the small crib seeing her four-month-old crying. It had been hours of nonstop screaming. She had tried everything, feeding, changing, rocking, you name it. Jesse's had started teething and she was miserable almost all the time.

Amanda picked up the small toddler, trying to soothe her. Walking towards the kitchen to get her a bottle, maneuvering past the maze of a mess that was now her living room. The room was cluttered with toys and bottles and random items that Amanda was too exhausted to pick up. She felt delirious from all the sleepless nights. On an average night she might get two hours of sleep, waking up constantly tossing and turning. Yes, she knew being a single mother was going to be difficult but she underestimated it. Olivia made it look effortless with Noah.

Everyday felt like a constant battle. She felt like she was in solitary confinement with no human contact that could understand her. She yearned for the daily interactions she would have with people. Those little hellos and goodbyes. It was the small things she missed.

The only help she got was from Carisi. Her mother stopped calling after getting in an argument about her sister, putting the blame on her that her sister was put in jail. She was so grateful when he helped. It was always such a relief when he would walk in. Carisi was always willing and always offered his services to her at any time. Maybe it was because he felt sorry knowing that the father of her child wasn't in the picture. She still hadn't told anyone who the father was. If word was let out, what would they think of her? A four-letter word rang into mind. SLUT.

Carisi was out of town busy on a case, hunting down a perp who they put a warrant out on. It had been days without him or anyone to talk to. She was in solitary confinement twenty-four-seven with the endless crying. Yes, she loved her baby girl but she was really losing it.

Her cellphone began to ring in the distance. She groaned turning around from her original path making her was in the direction of her ringtone. The room was so disorganized, the whole place resembled as if a bomb went off. Looking through the piles of things, Jesse started to yell even louder. With each second of searching she became more frustrated, throwing things to get to the ringing faster.

Finally, she found the phone wedged between the cushions of the couch. Without even checking the screen to see who it was she slide her finger across the answer button and put it to her ear.

"Rollins." She subconsciously spoke.

Jesse's sobs overpowered the voice on the phone. All she could hear was a muffled hello but she couldn't make out anything else.

"Hello? Hello?" She said louder into the phone. As she swayed back and forth with her child trying calm her down.

"Amanda."

The voice was instantly familiar. It was him. She hadn't heard from him in over a month. After he came to visit her in the hospital he would call every so often. He would ask how she was doing and if she needed anything. He also questioned about Jesse and what he was missing. She tried to keep the conversation light and sometimes the calls only lasted for five minutes. Amanda never pressed on him not being there for her or for her daughter.

"Declan, hi. Sorry, it's a… little hectic here." Amanda spoke still rocking Jesse.

"How are you?" He questioned.

"Good. Good. Everything is great." She lied. She didn't want to tell him the truth that she was struggling. That she was driving herself crazy.

"What's wrong?" His voice was more serious.

"Nothing." Her response was quick almost automated.

"Amanda, I can't tell when you are lying." Declan shot at her.

"I'm just a little tired that's all…. Ow Fudge!" Amanda shouted as she stubbed her toe on the corner of the sofa as she tried to walk back to the kitchen. She wanted to shout about ten different curse words but she didn't want Jesse's first word to be the f bomb.

"Do you want me to come over?"

"You're in New York?" She asked him. The question kind of threw her for a loop. She didn't expect that offer.

"Just got in an hour ago." He replied.

"You really don't have to." Not that she didn't want to see him, but she didn't want him to think that she was a bad mother already. It was just a bad week for her. She always considered herself to be a little scattered when under a crazy amount of stress. But she just needed a few hours of sleep, a shower.

"I want to. If that is okay?" The way he asked was sincere. He wasn't just another baby daddy filling the obligation to not have to pay child support. He was different, but she always knew that.

"Of course, it's ok. It's just a complete mess here."

"Don't worry about it. Do you need me to pick up anything from the store?"

"No, I think we're ok." Amanda looked around seeing if she was out of diapers or formula. She was first breastfeeding but the pediatrician had recommended more nutrition from formula because even with the pumps and whatever invention they came out with she just wasn't producing enough milk. Another stress to the list.

"Ok. I'll be over in the next hour."

ADADADADADADAADADADADADADAADADADADADADADADADADADADA :)

The knock on the door startled Amanda a little bit. She finally laid Jesse down for a nap. It hurt her hear to see her daughter so miserable and in pain. It had not been easy. A couple of weeks ago Jesse had come down with a cold and Amanda was scared out of her mind. She stayed up all night with her because of her fever. It was a bad month in general.

She made her way to the door. Opening it he stood just as she remembered him. Still just as handsome even though he had more scruff. His brown hair slightly longer and she could tell that he had been still undercover. Which was a little discouraging for a second.

"Hey, come in. Watch your step." She opened the door to her apartment.

Carrying a bag inside with him. Midway through the doorway he embraced her and kissed her on her forehead. She just stood there taking in his scent. The leather of his jacket connected with her right cheek. She just wanted to hold him close and not let go. The night he came to visit her in the hospital after Jesse was done feeding they just talked. He sat at the edge of her bed and held her hand with his own. He stayed longer than he probably should have and could have gotten himself in a lot of trouble. If the situation was different he would have stayed, for all of it. And she knew that, but it was better in theory then reality.

What had seemed like minutes just being wrapped up in his hold, she looked up at him. Their blue eyes connecting as he gazed back at her.

"Hi." She giggled.

"Hi." He repeated. I was their normal type of lingo between the two of them to break the silence.

His fingers brushed against her cheek, pushing a strand of her blonde hair back behind her ear. His thumb glided across her jawbone slowly as if he was trying to memorize its shape. So familiar even though it had seemed to be forever ago. Then his lips met hers. Even though he had a hard-rough look about him, he was always so gentle. She wanted to melt. Right There. But she couldn't stay in Wonderland all day. She had so many things to do.

Amanda broke off from his lips. "Ok, Ok. Let's get inside before one of my neighbors gets a free show."

Declan chuckled a bit "No, I suppose you're right."

Amanda led him in through the untidiness she called her apartment. Surprisingly he didn't make a comment or a face about the clutter. She headed towards the kitchen, picking stuff up with almost every step. In a matter of a few feet she had a pile of things in her hands.

"Brought some Takeout, as I remember you still like the food from the Deli a few blocks from here. How about you take a long shower and I'll get the food ready." He placed the bag on the only open spot available on the table. Then turning around and taking all the items from her. She felt embarrassed. She wasn't a damsel in distress, she was a certified badass.

"Are you sure?" He just gave her a look. The look that meant she was not winning this one.

"Okay, shower, I'm on it."

A/N- :)


End file.
